This is the second article in the Mindfulness of Burnout series. In case you missed the first one, here’s the link.
In the first part of the series, we explored the meaning of work and our beliefs about work. Based on my own burnout experience, I would say burned out because I would constantly engage in behaviors that lead me to burnout—e.g., working extra hours, not taking care of my body, not resting, and so on.
But, if you look deeply into your actions, you will realize beliefs govern your behavior. At least, this was true for me. You can check with yourself and see if it also applies for you. Hence the importance of understanding your beliefs. You can quit a company, but your beliefs will be with you in your next company.
This may sound simple, but most of the time it is not easy to be aware of these behaviors. That’s why deep looking is necessary. However, this is only partially true, as there are also other variables to consider, such as work environment, different people's needs and circumstances, etc.
But, for now, I want to focus on the things that we can control. Under that realm, you are the only one responsible for your burnout. The exercise in the first article is aimed at helping you understand how your beliefs about work can significantly impact your behavior. This is something that you can do even if you are not going through a burnout process. No matter your situation, it will help you understand how you approach your work.
Finally, if you are reading this second article and haven’t done the exercise in the first, I encourage you to stop here. Go do that exercise first. You’ll probably learn more from that exercise than from reading my experience.
My Burnout Process: Part II
All bad: When things go to hell beyond normal control
I’m pretty sure I remember the exact date I started to consider quitting. Here's what I remember about that moment.
I joined my previous company on May 24, 2021. I started to consider quitting my job on May 24, 2022. Ironic, right? One year exactly after I joined the company. I remember having a major argument with one of my bosses that exact day. It was a pretty bittersweet moment.
There I was, having one of the best adventures of my professional life so far. I was getting congratulated on the #celebrations Slack channel for my first anniversary, while at the same time, in another chat, I was arguing with one of my bosses. The argument was about being overloaded with work and not being able to delegate because everyone was as overloaded as me. I remember having feelings of frustration, anger, and a sense of injustice. It was a pretty bittersweet day! I expected my first-year anniversary would be completely different.
To add to that, this happened in the midst of my first breakdown. I was feeling fatigued, sick, stressed, and anxious. I was behind schedule in almost all my projects and going through a pretty tough moment…It was all bad, which according to this definition, “all bad” means: “When a situation goes to hell beyond normal control…” I find it funny because I think while exaggerating a little bit, it describes accurately how I was feeling then.
I do not feel proud at all of what I’m about to say, but I think it’s necessary. On that day I showed my boss one of the worst facets I’ve ever seen of myself in my adult life. I was ENRAGED—in bold, capitalized letters, and red.
On that day, I didn’t care about anything. It was about showing how I felt. It was about “saying some truths.” It was about trying to destroy my boss with my words. If I had to put it in a “funny” way, I would say it was about bringing the justice of all the gods to this poor human being in front of me. It was as if all the worst aspects of my Enneatype 1 personality were unleashed that day.
Now, several things happened on that day…
First, I understood how violent I can get in an argument when I’m under so much pressure. For someone who cares so much about people, this was shocking. While in my childhood being enraged and fighting with my parents was the norm, being so enraged with another person, especially at work, that’s not me. I had never seen this side of myself until that day. To be honest, at that moment I thought I was getting kicked out of the company. Fortunately, we managed to handle the situation, and both of us said sorry to each other.
Second, on that day I confronted some of my strongest beliefs about work and I started to challenge them. I can say it now openly, but it was harder to recognize at that time: Yes, I’ve always tried to outperform everyone. I try to be a top performer even if that goes against my health. I’m willing to “put in the hours” to be a top performer—those who know me closely will recognize this expression from an “old” Antony. But, on that day, I confronted myself and started to ask: What am I running after? Is this what I want to be? Those questions would lead me to greater insights in the future…
I was not consciously aware of my work beliefs—for example, that I was trying so hard to be a top performer. But thanks to this situation, I became aware of some of my strongest beliefs. More importantly, I started to recognize some of the unintended consequences of operating under these beliefs. I felt terrible due to anxiety, stress, and fatigue, and realized that my actions were beginning to hurt others. That was a big no-go for me. That wasn’t the attitude I aimed for.
Third, and finally, this argument helped me articulate and express the pain and suffering I had been feeling. I was surprised at how much pain was inside of me. I understood that unmanaged feelings, pain, and suffering can go a long way. They can take over you.
Mindfulness of Burnout
Thich Nhat Hanh, referred to as Thay from now on, was once asked about teaching mindfulness to the military. I found his answer really deep—You can find more details on this in his book Zen & The Art of Saving the Planet or here
He responded that teaching mindfulness to the military is acceptable, provided you are teaching "right mindfulness." He explained, "If a soldier is taught right mindfulness, that soldier will realize with a couple of mindful breaths how precious life is, and won’t take the life of another soldier."
To me, Thay’s answer highlights the way you engage in your actions. If you engage your actions with right mindfulness, you become aware of them and their consequences. The moment you realize the impact of your actions is not wholesome, you naturally try to find ways to stop. Why would you do something that brings suffering to yourself or to other people?
This awareness and understanding require a lot of practice and deep looking. It’s not always easy to grasp the impact of our actions. That’s why deep practice is essential to understand the impact of our actions.
When I first heard Thay’s answer, I had a profound insight:
If I engage my work with right mindfulness, I will eventually stop doing the things that are leading me to burnout. I will be able to recognize the impact of my actions, both on myself and others. What needs to be let go, will be let go.
Looking back, I can say this insight was accurate. After I had this insight, I began to engage my work more mindfully, which eventually led me to quit my previous job. This process taught me many lessons. One of them is what Thay would describe as “knowing how to suffer well,” from which you can derive many beautiful things.
Having that insight allowed me to surrender myself to the process. Was it the wisest decision? I’m not sure. But I can certainly say that once I started to become aware of the impact of my actions, I started to change my behavior.
What Is the Impact of Your Actions?
During my first year at my previous company, I was blinded to the impact of my actions. Or at least, I decided to see only the positive impact while ignoring the negative one.
I believe this is a fundamental aspect of burnout: you engage in behaviors that lead you to burnout, because you believe what you are doing is right. But to determine if something is right or wrong, you need to see not only the positive impact but also the negative impact. You need to be aware of the two sides of the same coin at the same time.
The biggest wake-up call I received was the argument with my boss. It allowed me to become aware that I was feeling frustrated and resentful. Also, I couldn't believe I was feeling so much rage against another human being. After that moment, I started to act more mindfully and started to slowly wake up to the impact of my actions—both positive and negative.
In the following months, I had several insights. They were related to my beliefs and fears about work. It was a pretty enlightening process.
For example, I realized that in my work environment, where everyone was overloaded, I constantly tried to protect my team and the people. I would constantly engage in several discussions with members of the upper management team “to protect my team.”
I called this behavior “tribalistic complex,” which is only another way to say us vs. them. The narrative is really easy to understand: “We are right, you are wrong. We suffer, you don’t” But I slowly became aware that upper management also suffered as well. “We” were not the only ones struggling. I realized that that tribalistic mentality was taking me through an unwholesome path.
It also was a matter of months before my body started to collapse into a bunch of illnesses, as I mentioned in the first article. That also helped me a lot to be more mindful of my actions. I was not so aware of how I was hurting my body through this whole process. For example, I didn’t know how much stress you can put onto your body by being seated 8-12 hours a day without moving around or taking time to breathe and decompress.
After months of awakening to the impact of my actions, there was one last thing that had a profound impact on me: the "Most Impactful Person" award.
The “Most Impactful Person” Award
My colleagues recognized me as the “Most Impactful Person" in the company in December 2022. Did it feel great? Yes, but partially.
Receiving this kind of award was special. It made me feel grateful for such an honor. Especially because it didn’t come from management or someone else. It came directly from the people. To be honest, I don’t know how many people filled out that survey, it could have been 15 people or 100 people. But, the reality is that whoever took the time to fill out that survey thought about me. That’s something that made me feel thankful.
Of course, my intention here it’s not to despise such an honor. However, I need to be honest. While it made me feel grateful, it also made me feel…empty? shocked? apathetic? I don’t even have a proper word for it.
By the time I received the award, I had just returned from Europe and I was recovering from my first breakdown. I was seriously questioning whether I was following the right path. I was already aware of the impact that putting aside my family, friends, and myself was having.
My family was going through a tough time back then, but I had no time for them because I was too busy with work. I was starting to get delayed on my projects again, and I would feel something was off. There were a lot of things happening in my mind and body by the time I received that award. So, receiving it was kind of shocking. Maybe bittersweet is a better word? I don’t know. What I know is that I was suffering a lot through the process but at the same time, I was being rewarded by it. Really? Is it really possible to make a positive impact while suffering?
I heard lots of beautiful words from other people that night. The positive impact was evident. The negative impact was not so much. It took me a few months to become fully aware of this... until one day, I understood it and could no longer ignore it.
Two or three months after I received the award I went through my second breakdown. As I mentioned in the previous article, that was another challenging moment because I was under significant pressure to finish a major project with tight deadlines. During that time I had a couple of conversations with members of upper management. I remember two specific conversations with two different bosses that really hit me.
In the first one, one of them said to me
“Do you think you are the only one that is going through this? I’m also going through something similar. I’m sick and I’m feeling X, Y, and Z. This and that thing happened to me…and so on.”
I remember this person shared those things not as a complaint, but as a gesture of empathy—by the way, I’m omitting some details to maintain confidentiality.
In the second conversation, the other person said something pretty similar.
“You are not the only one going through this. I’m also going through a tough moment. I hate some of the things I need to do. Do you think I enjoy X, Y, Z? I’m suffering from A, B, C, and so on…”
Listening to their feelings really hit me. They were feeling really similar to the people on my team. That’s when I understood everyone was feeling and going through the same. But, somehow, each one of us justified it differently. Some would justify it in the name of purpose, others in the name of money. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that many people were feeling the same. A lot of people were burned out, fatigued, sick, and suffering a lot. I was not the only one.
That’s when I understood the negative impact of my award. By working long hours and doing the things I was doing, I was unconsciously saying: “Yes, this is okay. That’s how life should be. It’s okay to push yourself and endure stress and anxiety so you can reach your goals. More importantly, if you can also work long hours like me, put aside your family and friends, and forget about your health, even better. You might even get an award for that.”
While I was having a positive impact, I was also having a really negative one. One that I didn’t want to reinforce: overwork culture and unwholesome self-care. That is not the world I imagine. Normalizing stress, anxiety, and self-created suffering is not something I want to do. I was not at all happy with the legacy I was building. I realized I was so focused on achieving my goals that I forgot the importance of how you get there.
When To Quit?
Following my second breakdown and those two conversations, the question of when to quit was present in my mind almost every day. It took me a couple of months before I finally made up my mind about it.
During that time, I was full of doubts, constant hesitation, anxiety, stress, and many uncomfortable feelings due to this constant hesitation. I recall once listening to a teaching from Rupert Spira—another spiritual teacher. He said something that deeply resonated with me. He said that clarity comes as a form of peace. There’s nothing strepitous about it, it only takes over you and fills you with peace.
To be honest, I’m not sure if that's the only way to experience clarity, but it was precisely what I was seeking. I decided that I would only quit when I had the clarity and the peace to do so. I waited for months until I had it.
Then, on the night of June 4th, 2023, it all came full circle during an introspective exercise. The exercise was about writing the things I wanted to let go of. While it's difficult for me to share some of these things, I feel it's important to do so. Here is part of what I wrote that night—if you notice a poetic tone, it’s normal. Writing prose poetry is one of the ways I’ve learned to connect with my feelings, pain, and suffering:
“I have run for a thousand years.The feeling of scarcity has driven my path. But today the wheel will stop.A thousand years of despair will end today.Today I face my destiny with humble gratitude.I honor the pain and despair of my ancestors.Today the wheel will stop.I embrace love as my religion.Let love be the guide for the next thousand years.Today I choose myself, my family, and my friends.I want to see their faces and be able to smile at them.I want to put a smile on their faces. I want to hug them.I want to love them.I want to make their lives a bit happier.Let me be a source of light for them.Today I want to let go of my desire for more money and my addiction to work.I want to let go of the rush to achieve things that will not make me happy.I want to stop pursuing happiness. There’s no happiness outside.I’m the source of my happiness…”
After that, I continued the exercise. While I was approaching the end of it, I decided to close my writing by drawing a sunflower and a heart. While I was doing so, my pen ran out of ink exactly when I was finishing the writing. That was mind-blowing to me! Call me mystic, even crazy. But I took that as a “sign.” I remember that gave me the chills! I was full awe and surprised by this “sign.”
I went to bed that night somewhat thoughtful about the exercise and the incident with the pen. If that was not enough of a “sign,” it seemed I had another one. That night I dreamt about quitting my job and woke up in the middle of the dream. I remember waking up not scared, but happy, with a smile on my face... I was filled with peace, just as Rupert Spira had described. In my dream, I quit and I was peaceful about it.
The next day, I let my feelings settle. I wanted to get perspective and understand more about my dream. I was astonished. As the hours passed, I felt more and more peace. By the night of June 5th, 2023, it was pretty clear to me: I had already quit in my mind. I just hadn’t shared it with my bosses yet. On June 6th, two days after that exercise, I quit.
Exercise
The following exercise is based on a story shared by Thay in the book No Mud, No Lotus. It is called: Releasing Your Cows. The story is the following:
“One day the Buddha was sitting with his monks in the woods. They had just come back from an alms round and were ready to share a mindful lunch together. A farmer passed by, looking distraught.
He asked the Buddha, “Monks, have you seen some cows going by here?”
“What cows?” the Buddha responded.
“Well,” the man said. “I have four cows and I don’t know why, but this morning they all ran away. I also have two acres of sesame. This year the insects ate the entire crop. I have lost everything: my harvest and my cows. I feel like killing myself.” The Buddha said, “Dear friend, we have been sitting here for almost an hour and we have not seen any cows passing by. Maybe you should go and look in the other direction.” When the farmer was gone, the Buddha looked at his friends and smiled knowingly. “Dear friends, you are very lucky,” he said. “You do not have any cows to lose.”
Too many times, we get caught up with many different cows. I need this job to be happy, I need X amount of money, and so on. But is all that necessary? Questioning and understanding our cows can lead to significant insights about what truly matters in our lives.
Becoming aware of our cows and reflecting on them can be a fruitful exercise. If you want to try it, here’s an exercise I propose for you.
Step 1
Once again, grab a notebook and a pen. Then find a quiet place. Somewhere you feel safe and at ease. Bring yourself into the present moment.
You can do this through a 10-15 minute meditation or just a simple breathing exercise. Don't worry too much about it. Just find something simple allowing you to bring yourself into the present moment.
Step 2
Ask yourself: Which are your cows?
Then, sit for 10 to 15 minutes and see what comes up. It’s okay if you find it difficult to sit still for 10 or 15 minutes. The mind will wander, and that’s okay. Just remember to bring your mind to the question you are asking yourself. Allow things to be, don’t judge anything.
If you feel comfortable, you can write down your cows as they come up. Or you can just sit there and be aware of them and take notes at the end of the 10 or 15 minutes.
Step 3
Now that you have a list of your cows, look at them and read them aloud if you wish. Then ask yourself: What cows am I willing to let go of today?
There's huge freedom in letting go of things. It’s like dropping a burden you have been carrying for too long. See what you are willing to let go of today.
This, of course, is not an easy exercise. I think sometimes there's a huge gap between being aware of your cows and letting go of them. Don’t worry. Just being aware of them is a good result!
Final thoughts
If you have made it to the end, once again, I want to thank you so much for reading my story.
If you are considering quitting, take your time and don't rush your decision. Clarity will come when it needs to come. It is certainly not an easy decision to make. Talk about it, meditate on it, be mindful of it, and be present.
Do what you need to do. Life takes us where we need to go to see whatever we need to see. It’s all part of the process. If you need to go climb a mountain, go do it. Just remember to take care of yourself in the process.
May you find peace and happiness in your life!
See you on the final part!
About The Upaya Project
The Upaya Project aims to bring mindfulness to work. We explore the common challenges people face at work with a mindful approach.
We enjoy co-creating with other people. This might imply writing something together, helping you to write something, receiving feedback or input ideas for the newsletter, or anything else. Everything is more meaningful when we build it together.
Bring any ideas you think might be of interest and let’s explore them together!
Here’s a Google form where you can share your ideas with us.